I hate seeing Tess McGill like this. I know Melanie Griffith has had busted microwave face for a while, but the bitch needs to stop whatever she's doing and let her mug breathe. She looks like she can only eat soft food. It's not right. I just want to throw a bow tie on her, stick my hand up her ass and then take our vaudeville act on the road.

Here's Melanie at Cafe Med yesterday. Alien Princess RiRi was also there looking like the test tube baby of Mr. T and Woody Woodpecker.

To answer the question you're thinking: no, I am not writing this shit from a jail cell in Nebraska! Okay, now that we've gotten that out of the way. The people of Valentine, Nebraska will sleep well tonight knowing that their windows will be ass grease free in the morning. The infamous Butt Bandit has been captured after making an ass out of himself for more than a year.

It all started in the spring of 2007, when people started noticing ass (and sometimes crotch) imprints on their business, church and school windows. His greatest achievement was leaving his butt print on every window of a hotel. The dude was able to leave his mark by rubbing Vaseline or lotion on his nalgas. He should've used Crisco with just a touch of KY. It picks up every little detail of your ass cheeks. So I've heard...

The Butt Bandit was caught by police early Wednesday morning massaging a window with his jelly covered ass. The cops wouldn't give up his name, but said he's a 35-year-old with an ass that just won't quit.

Unfortunately, there isn't a mug shot. It better be a double mug shot. I want to see both of his lips puckering. I mean, his butt should gets its own mug shot since it got him into this mess.

And when the Butt Bandit is out of jail, he should look into profiting off of his skills. I've seen a few ads on Craigslist looking for naked dudes who do windows. The Butt Bandit's ass does windows, literally.

Source

Thanks Leona

Jenna Jameson is knocked up with Baby Huey's twins, so she doesn't think it's a good idea to have a silk couch around the house. If you want to lay on Jenna's stank, it will cost you at least $9,500. Here's the description from the eBay auction:

This barely used silk Casa Armani sofa belongs to Jenna Jameson. Now that she and her beau Tito have purchased a new home and are having twins, they have decided that a silk couch might not be necessary.

The original purchase price was at least double what it is being auctioned for.

If you replace the words "silk" and "couch" with "sick" and "cooch," the auction might make more sense to you. Jenna's sick cooch will set you back 9500 clams, but you'll end up paying twice as much for the ass transplant you'll need after catching all kinds of jungle diseases from that shit. As soon as you sit down, you'll scream, "O mah Jeebus! Mah ass done combusted!" Normally when that happens to me, I just put a little Vaseline on it and then shake it off, but I don't think that will work in this case.

VIA Socialite Life

Gwen Stefani is making good on her promise that No Doubt will record a new album and go on tour. I think she made that promise like 3 years ago or some shit, but it's better late than never! On their official website, they posted this picture along with a little iChat conversation between the band members. Basically, they are going to take their shit on the road next year while working on their first album together in seven years. The last time they performed on stage together was in 2004.

Gwen has been busy making babies with funny names, putting out her own albums and working on some fashion shit.

Fuck yes. I can't wait to go to this shit. I just hope there's a bunch of 30-something hos who pay homage to vintage Gwen by wearing zipper pants, furry bra tops, suspenders and Frankenstein boots. Oh and don't forget the rockabilly hair and bindi.

Now if only No Doubt can get Garbage, Alanis Morissette, Joan Osbourne, Paula Cole, Fiona Apple, Tracy Bonham, The Cardigans and Meredith Brooks to perform with them. Actually, I think I went to a show in L.A. in the late 90s where all those bitches performed together. Aw. Those were the days when I was a little homo who really wanted to be an angsty lezzie.

It takes a lot of money too look like a ran over piece of trash, because Linda Hogan wants more of it! Hulk Hogan is currently paying her gutter garbage ass $40,000 a month in temporary alimony, but she's whining that it's not enough and she's going poor. Meanwhile, some broke bitches are trying to make balanced meals out of Top Ramen, popcorn, white rice and ketchup packets from McDonald's.

Linda dragged Hulk into court on Thursday and asked a judge to unfreeze their assets, so that she could dip into them. She should drown in them if you ask me. Hulk's lawyer asked Linda to show proof that she's going broke. Um. Just look at her. That's a broke down, used up bitch if I ever saw one.

In addition to the 40 grand a month, Hulk also pays for repairs and maintenance to the home. He refused to pay for cable TV, window washing, their security system and pest control. Oh, that's where the $40k a month is going. Imagine how much it costs to keep the fleas, scabies, crabs, roaches, maggots and silverfish off of this skank!

Hulk also told the court that Linda recently dropped $14,000 on plastic surgery. The surgeon forgot to do one very important surgery: he forgot to sew her mouth shut. Shit. Sew all Hogan's mouths shut.

You know, I think we're all going to laugh until we queef in 5 years when Linda is really broke, because her 19-year-old fug toy ran off with all her money. And then we're going to gag on our own vomit after watching the sex tape she'll "leak" to drum up some cash. Ugh. That's totally going to happen.

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In a not-so-surprising move, Travis Barker is suing the plane and tire companies involved in the plane crash that landed him in the hospital with burns and killed two of his friends. I'm only surprised that it took him this long.

TMZ reports that Travis and the mother of his deceased bodyguard filed a lawsuit in L.A. against Bombardier Inc., Clay Lacy Aviation and Goodyear Tires.

In the lawsuit, Travis blames fucked-up equipment and the pilots for the crash. Both the pilot and the co-pilot were killed in the crash.

The suit states: "The pilots were either poorly trained and/or failed to follow their training. The pilots' decision was a breach of their duty owed to the passengers onboard and was a substantial factor in causing the crash and resultant injuries and deaths."

The suit goes on to say that the plane's "landing gear, tires, wheels, brakes, reverse thrust system, squat switches and component parts were not airworthy."

Travis, who is still recovering from his burns, is suing for "pain and suffering, mental anguish, psychological and emotional distress, disfigurement, loss of earnings capacity and medical expenses."

If those companies are at fault, then I say sue away! No, it's not going to bring his friends back, but it might prevent this shit from happening in the future to other people.

Maxi from Lifetime's Blush: The Search for the Next Great Makeup Artist - I'm totally late to the party on this one, but I've been getting e-mails about this crazy hot bitch from this completely homo reality show on Lifetime for makeup artists. I've added this shit to my Tivo, so I'll be watching from now on with anal beads on. I think they just aired episode 2.

Anyway, Maxi is crazy and gayer than me bouncing around to Cathy Dennis in my Stacey Q cut-off t-shirt (it's not for sale). Below is a clip from last week's The Soup of this hot slut.

For Heather, Rebecca & Jessica

Karen O (30)
Scarlett Johansson (24)
Tyler Hilton (25)
Mark Ruffalo (41)
Mads Mikkelsen (43)
Mariel Hemingway (47)
Jamie Lee Curtis (50)
Donny Deutsch (51)
Richard Kind (52)
Steve Van Zandt (58)
Billie Jean King (65)
Terry Gilliam (68)
Robert Vaughn (76)

I take that back. I want my dog to do much more than just ride a Roomba. I want him to drag his lazy ass to the closet, get the Dirt Devil out, vacuum up all the rooms, clean the crap out of the remote controls and then rub the skidmarks out of my chonies. When he's done there, he can scrub the bathroom tile grout, clean the oven, defrost the freezer and then make me a gin martini. Yeah, fucking right. Doing that shit will get in the way of his full-time job as Head Nap Taker.

And this video of a pussy on a Roomba is pretty much what the inside of my head looks like.

Below I've thrown in some pics of Vadge and A-Rod in NYC today, because these two twats seem to go perfectly with Pussy on a Roomba. I don't exactly know why, but they just do.

Which now-pregnant celebrity is determined to give her baby the most talked-about baby name ever? The father wants the baby to have a normal name like his, and is furious that she is determined to give the baby a really stupid name simply for the attention it will generate. He should not be surprised, though, given that she spends a lot of time thinking up new ways to get press. The most recent iteration of the name consists of something you would buy from your butcher plus the town where they believe the baby was conceived. No, it’s not Prime Rib Pittsburgh, although that would actually be an improvement over the one she wants. (Blind Gossip)

Nothing is worse than the name Bronx Mowgli, but I'll guess the Pregnant Dude? Enough jokes! My serious guesses is Michelle Duggar? Okay, seriously. I'll guess Lisa Bonet, M.I.A or Angie Harmon?

Which US actress has been trying to mend her recently broken heart with a two-month cocaine bender? Her entourage fear constant sniffing and weight-loss will lead to grief. (3am Girls)

Coke doesn't mend a broken heart, but lots of anonymous sex does! I'll guess Anne Hathaway or Drew Barrymore?

Our singer has always had a bit of a violent streak when it comes to his sex life. He knows this and only participates with people who are aware of it and can handle it. Never been a problem until now. Seems that while overseas he took a liking to someone who was ill prepared for the experience and ended up in the hospital for several days. The person he took a liking too was barely legal. Hell, might not have even been legal. It took a massive monetary bribe to make his parents go away, and not press charges. It took another massive bribe to keep the one of the local papers from printing the story. Look for our singer to be playing a birthday party really really soon. (CDAN)

There's only two I could think of: Boy George or George Michael?

Which celebrity wife is leaving her celebrity husband because he can’t support her over-the-top lifestyle anymore? Her husband was a high flyer who provided her with multiple homes, cars, jewels and financial support for her own ventures. Now that he’s having money problems, she is looking to bail. He is begging her to stick out this tough period with him, but she has already told friends that she has her eye on a replacement. (Blind Gossip)

My first thought was Donald Trump and Melanie, but that bitch doesn't have any ventures! Whoever the gold digger is, she's making the right fucking decision!

(Image courtesy of Shea & Lies the Cat)