Holy Sarcasm

John Stewart did a wonderful bit exposing the humorous and blatant hypocrisy in politics.

It's confirmed. Viewed by millions.  A global fuckup.  This leaves no doubt.  The verdict is in. Our Beloved President . . . is really an IDIOT!

We can now close this heated debate about President Bush's lack of reasonable intellect.  All Republicans, Democrats, Americans, foreign intelligence communities, foreign ambassadors, can all work on common ground.

Yes.  He really is displaying our national flag backwards.  IDIOT.

Can you guess which of these quotes belong to our president, George W. Bush, and which belong to Batman from his 1960s TV series?

Let's meet Trent Lott. He's a powerful Republican Congressman from Mississippi. So powerful in fact that he's the "Republican Whip."  An honest man.  Married.  Children.  From the south.  Conservative.  Family values.  In a rather unusual, and stunning political maneuver, this powerful man of congress suddenly announces that he's leaving congress.  "Out of the blue.  Quitting.  Adiós.  Goodbye.  That's strange.  But wait . . . remember Larry Flynt going public a few months back saying he was going "out" another hypocritical politician?  A really powerful man, holding high office, living a lie and being hypocrite?  Mmmmmm.  Is Trent Lott the next GOP religious bigot to get nailed? Is he gay?????  Gasp!  No.  Not Trent Lott!  Say it's not true.  Let's plunge deep into this backside of this gay rumor and see if we can find some shit.

Yes . . . the rumors are flying.  First of all, Trent Lott's first name is "Chester."  I shit you not!  He goes by his middle name "Trent." We all know we have to keep an eye on anybody name Chester.    Here's one story and a picture of the high-priced pretty boy which Trent Lott "allegedly" paid to fuck him deep, hard, and fast.  Get that story here. 

High-priced pretty boy, aka Benjamin Nicholas, recently went public and stated, “Here’s my public comment, on-the-record: Sen. Lott and I have no current affiliation with one another. I’m sure he would appreciate no further scrutiny” You can get that story here.  The emphasis on "current" is mine -- I find the wording of his statement amusing and damning.

I'll betch a dollar that Larry Flynt is laughing his ass off.

Trent Lott's Congressional Website

Learn more about the "Whips" of our political parties
Wikipedia's entry on Trent Lott

This is the funniest clip I've ever seen of Kermit.  I didn't know Kermit was like this.  Ok, all jokes aside, it's me when CNNs whacker-licious Robin Meade comes on in the morning.

If I were a girl, I'd be the clumbsiest, goofiest chick you've ever seen.  This video would be me if I were a girl.  Hilarious.

This cutie-pie is Miss USA, Rachel Smith.  She's beautiful -- polished teeth, friendly smile, and beautiful skin color.  Nice titties too.  She recently went on the record saying,  "I always wanted to be a reporter — maybe some TV.  Who knows? Some serious news — but some modeling, too."  Then stupid took over.  She continued,  "I just don't want to end up like Katie Couric.  I want people to take me seriously."

Yeah.  She's stupid.  Somebody should have done her a favor and told her that "modeling" and "TV reporter" just don't mix.  And I love the innocent and inappropriate dig at Katie Couric.  I'm a guy -- and I'd LOVE to end up like Katie Couric.  Prestigious Job. Fame.  Fortune.  Single.  Slutty.  Katie is soooo lucky.

Katie Couric's rep was contacted for a response and had this to say: "If she continues to offer such profound insight, she will not have to worry about anyone taking her seriously."

Well said.  But hey, at least she's got nice skin color.

I have no idea what an "expensive hooker" looks like.  I'd like to think that if a top-notch Las Vegas hooker charges $5,000 per hour, she'd better be at least as good looking as Robin Meade.  Of course this is a moot point because I couldn't pay $5,000 if I wanted to.  Maybe $200 with a GI discount.  I have champagne taste and beer money.  But . . . how about the ugliest hookers in the world?  What do they look like, and how much do they charge?  That answer is in Fort Payne, Alabama where a 62-year-old Grandma (pictured on left) and her daughter (pictured on right) have been arrested for prostitution.  They are without a doubt the ugliest hookers in America. They epitomize "Holy Fuck!"  But -- how much do they charge? This is the funny part.  They both got arrested when they propositioned an undercover police officer for a mother-daughter-threesome for $15 each!

Fifteen dollars?!?!?!?  The ugliest and cheapest hookers in the world!

The White House has gone on the record stating presidential hopeful Barack Obama won't be the next president of the United States: Obama is intellectually "capable" of the job, the official says, but he relies too much on easy charm.  "It's sort of like, 'That's all I need to get by,' which bespeaks sort of a condescending attitude towards the voters ... and a laziness, an intellectual laziness."

Ahem . . .cough . . . snort . . . choke . . .  chuckle . . . BLOW JOB!   BLOW JOB!

The White House might actually be correct in their assessment of Senator Obama.  However, the nation can't help but notice the obvious irony in this.  There has been NO PRESIDENT who has relied MORE on his "easy charm" and is TOTALLY INTELLECTUALLY LAZY then George W. Bush.  The ironies of life -- courtesy of our White House.

This story could also be titled "Sex addict with a drug problem."  Either way, this man hit bottom in an embarrassing way. Jamie Thomas Lacey, 27, was home getting wasted on LSD and amphetamines, and upon reaching a point in which he was extremely aroused and needed sexual release, he broke into his neighbors house and proceeded to commit rape on some household appliances.  His neighbor, a lady, later arrived home and found pornographic magazines and clothes strewn around, and a makeshift sex aid constructed from a Toilet Duck bottle, a piece of wood and a latex glove.  Her vacuum cleaner was in the bathroom -- and also a black carry bag filled with condoms, gloves, creams and a tapered wooden stick.  The embarrassed man admitted to police that it was his "masturbation bag.''  The defense attorney argued there was no proof his client used the vacuum as a sex aid, but the judge retorted it was unlikely it had been used for cleaning. "I'm sure that your client didn't hoover the carpets,'' the judge said.
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Yes, he's a federal prosecutor out of Pensacola, Florida.  His name John David Roy Atchison, 53, he was arrested in Detroit, Michigan -- get this -- for federal charges that he flew to Michigan to have sex with a 5-year-old girl.  He was charged with using interstate communication to entice a minor to have sexual contact and traveling across state lines with the intent of engaging in illicit sexual contact.

Leading up to the arrest was months of Internet conversations between the Atchison and a detective posing as the mother of a 5-year-old girl.  Atchison initiated an online chat with an undercover officer posing as a mother interested in letting men have sex with her daughter.   Atchison referred to himself as "very much a family man." Between Aug. 31 and Sept. 12, Atchison had almost daily contact with Findlay. During several conversations, he described various sexual acts he wanted to perform with Findlay's fictitious 5-year-old daughter.  He said he wanted to have oral, vaginal and anal sex with her 5-year-old daughter.  He assured Findlay that the child wouldn't require any medical attention after the sexual acts took place. "I'm always gentle and loving; not to worry; no damage ever; no rough stuff ever, ever," he said, according to the complaint.  Pressed on how he could be sure, he responded: "I've done it plenty."  Days before traveling to Michigan, he told the undercover officer to tell the 5-year-old, "You found her a sweet boyfriend who will bring her presents."  Atchison took a Continental flight to Houston on Sunday morning, changed planes and arrived in Detroit at 4:52 p.m.

BUSTED!  He was taken into custody without incident as he got off the plane.  He was carrying a Dora the Explorer doll, hoop earrings and petroleum jelly.

Atchison worked in the U.S. Attorney's Office in Pensacola since 1980s, mostly handling asset forfeitures in criminal cases and civil cases in which the United States was a party. He's also president of the Gulf Breeze Sports Association, a volunteer community group focused on youth sports, where he is a soccer and baseball coach.  His wife is a science teacher at the Gulf Breeze High School.  They have three children high school age or older.

~ UPDATE SEPTEMBER 20 ~

He tried to hang himself early this morning at the Sanilac County Jail.   The 4 a.m. suicide attempt came only one day after Atchison asked a federal judge to take him off a suicide watch and assured her he would not try to harm himself. He had tied a sheet around his neck, but the suicide attempt was discovered by sheriff's deputies before he had a chance to harm himself. "One of the other inmates hollered that he was doing it," and jail deputies responded quickly.  The inmate in the adjacent cell raised the alarm.  Atchison has been moved from Sandusky, in Michigan's Thumb, to another facility.

GIs love to make bacon.  Especially after they've been out in the desert for a year.  Many soldiers are home from an extended tour in Iraq, and the Fort Campbell, Ky.,  Army hospital is over-run with babies.  They've got babies everywhere.  Last month the delivery rooms popped out a record 242 babies -- and there's more bacon on the way.  The installation hospital is predicting over 200 births per month all the way through March.  Being in the military is great!  They go to Iraq and get assigned "pillage" and "plunder" work details.  Then they come home and polish up on their "rape" details.  GI Joe is the man.
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You know you've hit bottom when you beg police to drag you out to the forest and shoot you in the head.  Such is the case with democratic Tennessee lawmaker Bob Riley -- who is the House Judiciary Chairman.  He was arrested for vandalism, speeding, and a DUI.  He's entered rehab for the second time.  His career melt-down was captured on film.
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Visit his official webpage

Everybody knows men need pictures -- we just can't function properly without them.  This of course implies that we've already downloaded our favorite porn pictures -- on our own computer -- in our own private area, like our home or bedroom.  But what about homeless men?  They have it hard.  They have no pictures, no porn, no computer, no home.  No Nothing.  This is a serious dilemma.

What does a homeless man do without a computer, magazines, porn, TV, DVD, VCR?  He heads straight to the library!  Such is the case with a 26-year-old homeless man in Winnipeg, Canada, who decided he was horny and wanted to take care of business.  He enters the University of Manitoba's McDermot Avenue campus library, sits down at one of the computers, and makes himself comfortable as he surfs for porn.  Upon seeing pictures that aroused him, he unzips his pants, pulls his dick out, and starts jacking off.  Right there at the computer.  In the library.  In front of everybody.  Surfing porn.  With his dick in his hand.

This is inappropriate behavior.  What if an impotent man had seen this?  or an innocent nun?  Security is called.  They approach him.  He keeps going -- ignoring them.  He's focused as he stares into the monitor.  He keeps going.  He's focused.  He's going.  In spite of the obvious presence of the security staff he makes no effort to zip himself up.

Instead, he looks up and says, "I'm almost done.  Can I finish?"  ROFLMAO!!! That's too funny!  What a brazen, cocky wanker.

When he was taken into police custody, he told police he does it "all the time" at the library. Later in court the judge referred to the actions by the brazen, cocky wanker as "public."

"I wasn't masturbating in public," he said.  "I do it all the time. I was just sitting at a computer, downloading a few things and I got a little horny ... I do it all the time."

The judge sentenced him to time served and six months probation, sparking an argument from the brazen, cocky wanker, who wanted to stay in jail rather than serve more probation. He threatened he would re-offend if released.

"I'm not in the business of keeping people in jail longer than they need to be," said the judge. "You're 26, you've got a long life ahead of you. I'm just saying you should keep the peace and be of good behavior.  That means not masturbating in a library or anywhere else. Got it?"

The judge released the cocky, brazen wanker to the custody of his parents.

ROFLMAO!!!!  HIS PARENTS?!?!?!?!  I'm glad I'm not his dad.
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Sara Evans filed for divorce back in October, 2006, from Craig Schelske who ran for Congress as a Republican from Oregon's 5th District in 2002 and lost.  The divorce has turned into a side show.  She accused him of adultery, verbally and emotionally abusive, drank excessively and frequently watched pornography in their home." I assume that "watched pornography in their home" is a nice way of saying "the lazy bastard sat around all day and jacked off." Damn Republicans -- they got such an easy life.

The "adultery" charged him with having sex with Alison Clinton, the nanny for their three children.  Adding a "soap opera" twist to this celebrity divorce,  Evans had been Alison Clinton's maid of honor. They were best of friends . . . until now.  Alison Clinton not only denied the allegations but also filed a $3 million lawsuit against Evans and her attorneys claiming she is the victim of "slanderous and libelous" statements.

Hold on -- it gets better.  As per the "pornography' allegation, Sara Evans accuses her husband of watching porn on the television in their home when their eldest child confronted him. The husband insists that he and Sara were BOTH watching pornography together when their 7-year-old daughter, whom they believed to be asleep, entered their room unexpectedly.  Sara Evans also alleges that several photographs show Schelske having sex with other women -- which he steadfastly denies.  He explains that the only pictures she has are only of him, and those were taken by her on their 10th wedding anniversary.  All right . . . something is wrong with that.  She's taking naked pictures of HIM???  That's kinky!

Hold on -- it STILL gets better.  Her husband accuses her of losing interest in her "marital roles and responsibilities" and she continued to get worse and "neglected" their three children after she began appearing on ABC's "Dancing with the Stars." Which is a nice way of saying, "the bitch thinks she's too good for her family."  He has publicly stated, "Sara has unfortunately become a dramatically different person over the last year and it is something we have struggled to deal with. Sadly, it appears we have failed. The best I can do at this difficult time is ask that people of faith would pray for her and for my family. My greatest concern is for my children and the irreparable harm they are at risk of facing."

But -- is Sara Evans a horny slut?? OK -- here's the BEST part -- the REAL reason I'm writing this and dragging out this goofy story!  He filed an 118-page document asking that she state under oath and penalty of perjury whether or not she admits to "an affair/sexual relationship/romantic involvement" with Kenny Chesney, Richard Marx, former "Dancing With The Stars" partner Tony Dovolani, or any member of her band. It also seeks to find out if there was any relationship with Brad Arnold, Matt Roberts, Todd Harrell or Chris Henderson — all members of the group 3 Doors Down.  Whew . . . that's a whole freight train of cock.

Holy Shit!  Bonanza!  Sara Evans is beautiful.  She's sexy!  She's talented!  And if the accusations are true, she's a hot slut!  Men will love her -- women will hate her.  This is tantamount to discovering that CNNs Robin Meade, the most whacker-licious woman in TV news, is a hot slut.  That was just a "comparison," Robin Meade is not a beautiful, talented, slut.  Just beautiful and talented.  Actually, I have no idea.  But wouldn't that be phenomenal -- unless you're her husband. What a combo -- beautiful, talented, and horny.  That's the kind of stuff that'll kill a middle-aged man.
Ladies and Gentlemen . . . Sara Evans -- the most awesome woman in America.
Believe it . . . or not.

Paula Zahn is making the news again.  Not that this story has much "value" to it other than it involves Paula Zahn.  After 20 years, she and her husband are going through a nasty divorce.  In papers filed in court, her husband states, "Taxes on her earnings, payments to her agent, and the $20 million cost of her Connecticut mansion alone (without even including the extravagant nature of Ms. Zahn's annual expenditures), consumed more than her entire income over their 20-year marriage," her husbands' filing says.  Furthermore, a family friend (don't you just love those 'family friends') who asked not to be identified said she spent much of her salary - between $1 million and $2 million a year - on clothes. My God!  If you spend $1 to $2 million a year on clothes, you better walk, look, dress, and act, like a hot, slutty, ulta-expensive $5,000-dollar-a-day, drop-dead-gorgeous Las Vegas hooker who looks like she fell off the front cover of Cosmopolitan Magazine.  I want her to look "good enough to eat," and she better guzzle.  In fact, if we were to spend $5,000 per day on the hottest hooker in New York City, it would total $1.8 million dollars!  PLOP!  But she did it on clothes!!!  What kinda clothes do you have to buy that would cost that much??? I'd bet in retrospect, Paula is saying, "Shit.  I should've gone for that hot hooker down at the Plaza Hotel."

$1 to $2 million a year on clothes?!?!

Let's "plunge deep" into her and see what we find.  She was born in early 1956, which makes her 51 at this writing.  She has a beautiful complexion (she swallows?), nice teeth (she brushes), and she qualifies as a MILF.  At 51 years-old with 3 kids, I'd think most men would agree.  She has nice looking legs, but she never wears stockings or pantyhose - - which really pisses me off.  You'd think a woman of her class, wealth, and public stature would be smart enough to know that she needs to wear pantyhose or stockings.  It's makeup for the legs.  Would she go out in public without makeup?  Of course not.  Then why go out in public without shiny, sexy, silky pantyhose.  Woman are sooooooo frustrating.  When she was younger she competed in several beauty pageants, making the finals of the 1973 Miss Teenage America Pageant.  That would have made her about 17 years-old --  a junior or senior in high school.  She is musical -- attending Stephens College in Columbia, Missouri, on a cello scholarship and performed at Carnegie Hall in May 1992 with the New York Pops Orchestra.  MMmmmmm . . . that tells me she knows how to straddle big, hard things, and she's adept at using her hands in a "back and forth" movement for long periods of time.  Very nice indeed!  Cello women are the bomb.  She also has a respectable conscience -- she's an honorary board member of the Multiple Myeloma Research Foundation, and an active advocate for issues of cancer awareness in general, and breast cancer in particular.

But -- $1 to $2 million a year on clothes?!?!

Another interesting tidbit.  If you google her divorce, you discover that her primary complaint was that her husband seems to have stopped having sex with her.  Supposedly, it's been many years since he's treated her like the hot, little slut and go "balls deep" on her on the kitchen table after the kids went to bed.  Which goes to show that, no matter how beautiful your wife is, all men will eventually "have enough" of the same woman, over, and over -- and over -- and over again.  Year, after year, after year.  Years down the road, he's gonna say, "ya know?!  I wanna salad!"  This nasty divorce also proves (well, kinda sorta) that the woman in your life will eventually disrespect you unless you fuck the shit out of her.  And if you don't??? She'll fuck you instead -- and you won't like it.

$1 to $2 million a year on clothes?!?!
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wikipedia

The couple in Las Vegas who wanted a 15-year-old girl to live with them for his sexual pleasure.